Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
