That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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