Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize