He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
