hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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