I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
