I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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