Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Randomize
