Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
