u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Found the puke drawer
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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