my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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