god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
