If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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