my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
