i permit you to call me
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
