I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
