God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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