We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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