Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
