WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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