it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
