video games are the ultimate cock blocker
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
