My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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