Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
