somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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