I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Your dad touched me again.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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