so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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