I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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