this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
