Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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