"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Every concussion has its silver lining
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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