I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize