Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
