remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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