I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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