I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
