Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
