I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
