Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
