All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize