u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
