I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Randomize
