At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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