every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
