I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
