I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
