omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
