Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
