Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
