I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
