Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
