Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
How does one acquire holy water?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
