I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
so let's talk penis.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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