I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
