I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
3 2 1 whiskey
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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